Mesa Police Department Center Against Family Violence
Victim Services - Helping a Child Victim Become a Survivor

You have just learned that your child has been the victim of a sex-related crime. What should you do? How can you best help your child cope with this incident? How will you deal with your own feelings about what has happened?

The Mesa Police Department's Victim Services Unit hopes that this brochure will give you some helpful suggestions. We want you and your child to be survivors, not victims.

Initial Reactions are Critical

The reaction of those around your child is the single most important factor in how he/she will cope with being the victim of a sex-related crime such as rape, molestation, or indecent exposure. Immediately after the incident or disclosure, provide your child with plenty of reassurance, comfort, affection, and consideration. After the initial crisis, you need to find a delicate balance. You should not dwell on the issues or give it unusual amounts of attention, but you also need to be open to your child's questions and his/her expressions of feelings.

Hide Your Negative Feelings

Watch your comments, both those made directly to your child and those that your child may overhear. You may be passing your fears, biases, or shame to your child. Comments that seem helpful on the surface, such as "you must be angry," or "you must have been very upset" can set the child up for problems. Demands for revenge or threats about the offender can further confuse or frighten the victim.  Children do not want to see you get in trouble for something that happened to them. Also, be careful not to make your child feel that he/she is "ruined for life" because of the incident. Instead, assure your child that it was an unfortunate experience, but one he/she will recover from. Children are often so innocent or resilient that they can bounce back from bad experiences with little difficulty. Remember, your child may not be as upset as you would be. In fact, most parents are much more upset about what happened than their child is.

Don't Add to the Child's Guilt

Guilt can be emotionally devastating to a child. "Whys" add to feelings of guilt. Avoid statements such as "Why did you talk with him?" or "Why didn't you just run away?" or "Why didn't you remember what I taught you about strangers?"

Even if you sincerely believe that your child used bad judgment, this is not the time to give a lecture. Keep in mind that your child did not ask to be victimized. Do not punish your child or try to make him/her feel responsible for the incident.

Also, in your attempt to make some sense of what happened, do not blame yourself. Neither you nor your child is responsible -- the offender is the only person responsible.

Be Careful Not to Create Fear

Watch for creating fear of the world or a fear/disgust of sex and bodily functions. Let the child know in age-appropriate terms that what happened was wrong and unusual and that the offender was a person with problems. If it ever happens again, encourage your child to say "No," to get away, and to tell you or another responsible adult such as a teacher, a school counselor, or a school nurse about the incident. If your child shows more curiosity or asks more questions, answer tem honestly without providing more information that he/she asks for.

If your child exhibits inappropriate sexual behavior, use a "good manners" approach to remodel their understanding about what is and is not appropriate. Do not make him/her feel bad about such behavior. The offender probably tricked your child into thinking it was okay.

Respect Your Child's Privacy

Respect your child's privacy and feelings. Whom you and your child tell about what happened is strictly up to you and your child. It is suggested that all adults who are told about the incident read this brochure so they can respond in a supportive, caring way. Some people may say things that hurt simply because they don't know better. Gossip and rumors add to everyone's stress. All members of your immediate family (father, mother, brothers and sisters) should be told so they can provide needed support and understanding to the victim.

Understanding the Court Process

Most parents do not have a realistic understanding of how the court process works. They fear that the court experience will be traumitic to their child. This need not be and is not usually the case. Victims have specific rights under Arizona laws and the Rules of Criminal Procedure which insure that they will be treated fairly. Court offers an opportunity for your child to see the connection between what was done to them and the consequences to the offender. The court can also help your child feel protected and assured that the crime will not reoccur. Since many cases are resolved with plea agreements, successful prosecution may be possible without the need for anyone to formally testify in court.

Dealing With the Future

Right now you are going through a difficult time. It may help to remind yourself that the intensity of your feelings will diminish in time. Try not to dwell on the incident. Let your child determine when, if ever, it is discussed. Your goal should be to have everything return to normal as soon as possible. Try to set aside your fears and avoid a tendency to become overprotective.

It may be time to seek professional help should you notice that your child seems unusually upset of shows signs of emotional distress such as sleeping difficulty, changes in appetite or school performance, withdrawal from social contacts, etc. The crime may also have an emotional impact on other family members. Family conflicts may surface due to the stress. Sometimes family members resent the extra attention given to the victim. If you or your family is having trouble dealing with what has happened, you may want to consider professional help.